All I need is roughly one and a half pence from each and every one of 'you'. By 'you' I refer to all 60 million ish tax payers in the UK.

A quick fumble of figures and I make that around £870,000, which by happy coincidence happens to be the exact recent valuation of the government's wine cellar. This 'hospitality' cellar in Lancaster House off The Mall, consists of approx 40,000 bottles. More maths and you arrive at about £20 per bottle on average. Not only that but the value has increased by £85,000 in the last eight months mainly due to an additional 500 bottles added to the collection.

If those 500 bottles were the sole reason for the rise in value, that would make each new bottle worth about £170.

It all seems a bit ridiculous. You can find excellent wines for under £10, so even an average of £20 per bottle is extravagant in these so called times of 'austerity'. Maybe the wine 'experts' making these purchases need to apply real practical knowledge and not simply buy overpriced claret for effect.

My modest wine cellar still resides in a cupboard in my loo, and I have had to stock up massively for Christmas. I managed to purchase a few bottles of vintage Cava, and a selection of red and white wines, all amounting to about 30 very tightly packed bottles.

I had to turn off the vicious towel heater lest I cook it all.

The Cava somehow seems appropriate in the arena of the loo. The 'throne' is one of those swanky ones with a low sloping side. Some obsessives may even call it an accidental inspection shelf. Anyway the slope very much reminds me of a shipbuilders launch way, slowly and purposely delivering each new creation into the ocean, helped on its way with a bottle of sparkle.

Sorry, I digress.

I kept the average price to about £7.00 a bottle, with no one bottle over £10.00. I am still working through them (with lots of help) and will write some tasting notes. So far so good.

Note to government - I could be your one man 'wine quango', slashing your average price per bottle in half, keeping the tax payers a bit happier....

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