Dirty Dancing

I want to talk about bubbles. Those impossibly perfect packets of joy that make Champagne so beautiful.

They have a violent history, as Champagne bottles did not used to be so strong. Forgetting to wear an iron mask for trips to a Champagne cellar could be likened to walking into an inner city after dark without a stab vest. Thankfully a Benedictine monk called Dom Perignon helped design better bottles, and invented the metal cage keeping the cork secure.

I don't know about you, but whenever I take the cage off the cork, my eyes start to water, like I just have pulled the pin from a hand grenade.

So how do you get the bubbles into quality Champagne?

You basically add some yeast and sugar to the bottle and put on a crown cap. This promotes secondary fermentation, and therefore carbon dioxide. You leave the bottle for at least 15 months which produces lots of detritus.

To remove the muck, the bottle is subjected to an eccentric process called riddling. It involves clever dance choreography slowly forcing the sediment to the neck of the bottle, where it is frozen and removed. Often a little sugar is added at this point, just before the cork is applied.

The carbon dioxide is mostly dissolved in the liquid due to the bottle pressure, producing some carbonic acid. It is rudely awakened once the bottle is opened as the pressure is released. It finds itself in a glass and has an overwhelming urge to get out of the liquid. It gathers in unruly crowds either where the glass surface is irregular, or on dust particles. Once enough molecules have assembled a bubble forms caused by nature's remarkable surface tension phenomenon. When large enough it rises to the surface, contributing to global warming in its own modest way.

The stinging sensation you get on your tongue is not due to the bubbles bursting. It is actually lots of miniscule burns caused by the carbonic acid. I think I will throw my Listerine away and gargle with vintage Champagne in future, it sounds much more fun.